Funny stuff
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The Lion Sleeps Tonight.
The Best Jokes Number 1
A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Kmart with her two kids in tow, screaming
obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The door greeter says, 'Good morning and
welcome to Kmart, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?'
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:
'Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you
think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?'
'Absolutely not,' replies the greeter, 'I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!'
Some great photos....... may offend !!!!!!!
A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Kmart with her two kids in tow, screaming
obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The door greeter says, 'Good morning and
welcome to Kmart, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?'
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:
'Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you
think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?'
'Absolutely not,' replies the greeter, 'I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!'
Some great photos....... may offend !!!!!!!
The Best Jokes Number 2
This man buys a brand new Mustang. He decides to take it out and see what it can really do. So he is traveling down the highway going
around 90. Suddenly he see a patrol car behind him with its sirens on. He thinks "I can out run that car easy." So he starts speeding
faster. Cop keeps pace. Faster and fast. Finally the man gives up and pulls over. The officer gets out and approaches the man. He says
"I've had a long day and am almost done with alot of paper work, If you can give me one excuse for your driving that I've never heard
before you can go."
The man thinks for a second then says. "I just found out that my wife was having an affair with a police man. I though you were coming to
return her.
The officer says. "Have a nice day!"
This man buys a brand new Mustang. He decides to take it out and see what it can really do. So he is traveling down the highway going
around 90. Suddenly he see a patrol car behind him with its sirens on. He thinks "I can out run that car easy." So he starts speeding
faster. Cop keeps pace. Faster and fast. Finally the man gives up and pulls over. The officer gets out and approaches the man. He says
"I've had a long day and am almost done with alot of paper work, If you can give me one excuse for your driving that I've never heard
before you can go."
The man thinks for a second then says. "I just found out that my wife was having an affair with a police man. I though you were coming to
return her.
The officer says. "Have a nice day!"
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers
were reprimanded but, boy, are these funny!
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. Itʼs impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
_____________________________________________________
These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? That's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'
11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? That means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
9. 'Warning? You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'
8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey
poop.'
6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
AND THE WINNER IS....
'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. ...............Sign here'
were reprimanded but, boy, are these funny!
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. Itʼs impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
_____________________________________________________
These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? That's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'
11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? That means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
9. 'Warning? You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'
8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey
poop.'
6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
AND THE WINNER IS....
'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. ...............Sign here'
How to peel a banana
Remember that cute little Coppertone girl with her dog pulling on her blue bathing suit bottoms during the late 50's and
throughout the 60's? (If not, ask your parents)
throughout the 60's? (If not, ask your parents)
Well, she's all grown up now, and is living in Bondi.
The Best Jokes Number 3
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'
She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four
years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'
She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four
years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'
Very very funny.
Product recall
Product recall
Rheem -
complaint.
complaint.
Sir Peter....